I have been doing a lot of pondering lately. Most of it has been in the back of my mind,
(I haven't conciously been thinking of it, but I could tell something was going
on in the back of my mind), and something a friend of mine said really got me
to thinking. We were on our way back to
her car and we were talking about religion.
I was saying something about the VA tech shooter, and how I was
concerned that people didn't express sympathy for his family. Somehow, as conversations tend to do, our
conversation evolved into a religious one.
Something she said, along the lines of, "A lot of religions just do
things for the ritual, and there isn't a feeling behind it, or basically,
people do the rituals just to do the rituals, and not because they feel they need
to do it." That really got me
thinking. I have forced myself time and
time again to adhere to the fact that there is one God, and he is male. I've gone to church. I've prayed, and I've read the Bible. The very few times
I've tried to talk to
clergy about this, (excluding my cousin who is a minister, I have not talked to
him about this, but I feel he would not reject this outright), all the rest of
the clergy, male, by the way, have rebuffed me asking so many questions.
When I was a freshman in college, I used to go to church
every week. The minister seemed so flat
somehow. The music was wonderful,
though, and I asked the minister if I might join the choir. I really thought I had the spirit inside
me. Well, he said he would have to
confer with the choir and he would get back to me. I waited, and week after week he didn't get
back to me. Finally, I asked a friend of
mine who attended the same church, and she said, "The pastor doesn't
believe your Faith is strong enough, and therefore feels you shouldn't
participate in the choir." I can't
tell you how much this hurts me even now, six or seven years later. Who was this man to judge what I
believed? And then I started wondering
if I even could fit into their ideology? Did I truly believe their was one God and he
was male? Could I accept that in many
religions, I would be expected to be submissive, because of my sex? Could I accept a religion that said
homosexuality, and loving and wanting to spend the rest of one's life with
someone of the same sex was a sin? When I went into a church, why did I not
feel anything, even when I opened my mind up to it? Why, when I prayed, did I not feel
anything? It was like my prayers were
echoing in a void, and my heart was empty.
No matter how much I prayed, and Asked this Male Deity to guide me, to help
me, I felt empty. Even now, when I ask
God to guide me, I get the sense of a man looking down at me, laughing.
And then I started doing a bit of research. Just a smidge, mind. About Paganism, Wicca, and Goddesses as well
as Gods. And it makes sense to me. Surely there have to be female
goddesses. If there is a male God or
Gods, why then can't there be a female Goddess?
Why shouldn't there be a female goddess or goddesses? Why shouldn't we try to live in peace and
harmony with nature, respecting it, and living as one with it? Why not
investigate natural suplements and herbs, and work with them in conjunction
with or instead of modern medical techniques?
After all, they have been used for millenia.
I was reading this one website, and granted, I know I have
to be careful about this, and please know my research has just begun, but so
many things this website said, about being in tune with and living in harmyny
with nature and the energy you project into the world coming back to you made
so much sense to me. It was like a
lightbulb went off in my head, and I found myself catching my breath and going
"Ah ha!" so many times.
So what does this all mean? You can see where this is going, right? I want to investigate Wicca and the Pagan
path. So many things I've read so far
make sense to me. I especially love the
female aspect, and the nature aspects.
If any of you have any advice, I would love to hear any of it. Please feel free to leave comments, but
please do not be disrespectful of me or my exploration. Also, please do not think if you are a
Christian, Jewish, or of any other religious belief I do not respect your
beliefs because I do. It just doesn't
fit me, no matter how hard I've tried. And I have tried, for 24 years, I’ve tried.
I'm tired of pretending. I'm tired of praying and not getting anything
back, or feeling like I'm not being heard.
So yeah, advice, experiences, anything would be cool.
thanks for letting me join! It's nice to be here!